I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
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