Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
