I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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