you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
bring money and cleavage
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
