and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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