I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
