batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
