The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
