I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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