you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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