i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
