can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
