Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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