Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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