Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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