dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I currently don't understand fingers.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
