All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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