so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
