I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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