today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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