how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
