Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
