I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
