toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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