My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
