I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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