i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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