it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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