At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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