please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
