Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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