When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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