So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
