I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
