Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
