You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
