he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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