I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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