I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
