I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
