Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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