don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
