omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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