Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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