piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
