If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
