so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
