Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
