Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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