he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
